"I was grown up with my own children when my father died, but I just went to pieces for ages. Nobody had prepared me for how much I'd miss him or how completely lost I'd feel."
For many of us, the death of a parent is a significant loss and creates a variety of changes for us as individuals and for the family. Most people are affected by the death of their natural, adoptive or foster parents and can be profoundly influenced by this event. Feelings may be complicated and there is no one way or 'right' way to react. Sadness is common but sometimes there may be relief.
Some of the effects of bereavement can be surprising or even frightening. As well as shock, grief or numbness, people often feel guilt or anger. The feelings can be numerous and contradictory and emerge when least expected. It is often this that causes confusion and distress. We may think we hear, see or even smell the mother or father we have lost, or be reminded of them at unpredictable moments. All this can be alarming and lead us to question our sanity, but for most of us these experiences will pass in time.
Many people feel lost after the death of a mother or father. Not only young people react in this way; but also those who are middle-aged or elderly. Suddenly finding ourselves feeling like an abandoned child, even though we are adults with jobs, families and lives of our own, can be one of the more surprising features of the grief we experience.The death of a parent can bring home the inevitability of our own death, and perhaps make it seem nearer than it was before. The balance of generations changes. Before, we were still someone's child; now, we find ourselves the older generation and that can be a shock. While our parents were alive, we could assume that we probably had plenty of life ahead. It can be uncomfortable to face thoughts of our own death, which are normally buried under the day-to-day business of living.
Other relationships
are affected too A death in the family can bring people together but it can also create
tensions and strains, such as reawakening old rivalry between siblings.
Some families are able to support one another, but there may be individual
members who are unwilling or unable to share their feelings and prefer to
be left alone. Relationships between partners can also be affected. There
is no one way for families to deal with grief, but if relationships are
badly affected for a long time it might be useful to seek help.
If one parent has died, our relationship with the parent who is still
alive may alter. This is particularly so if we had always thought of our
parents together, as a partnership, and now find ourselves rediscovering
the remaining parent as a separate person. We may even be shocked if they
want to start a new relationship.
After the death of a parent, many people experience a change in the way
they see themselves and the way others see them. We may have looked after
an ill parent for some time or had regular contact, and this role has now
disappeared. This can come as a release but may also create a period of
unease and a sense of isolation.
If we have children, we may have to cope with their questions and
reactions to the loss of a grandparent, as well as our own grief. We may
worry about the impact the death has on them. Children usually cope better
with the truth, otherwise they can imagine that they are the cause of
someone's pain or even death. Children and other members of the family may
like to have a memento of the person who has died.
What can
help?
Although bereavement is something that will happen to everyone,
each time it occurs it hurts in its own particular ways. Every year, about
one-third of those who contact Cruse Bereavement Care for help do so
because of the death of a parent. Although there can be no prescriptions,
here are some of the things people tell us they find helpful: