Ideas for helping others

"I was grateful to the relatives and friends who contacted me. I found it difficult to make the first move."

Someone has died ... how can I help?
Although you may feel you don't know what to say to someone who is bereaved, it is nearly always better to tell them how sorry you are than to do nothing or avoid the subject. There is no magic formula to take away the pain of grief, but you can show you care by listening when they need to talk and by helping with practical tasks.

How people may react to a bereavement

• disbelief or denial - carrying on as if nothing has happened
• shock or numbness
• imagining they still see or hear the person they have lost
• guilt - feeling they could have done more or prevented the death from happening
• anger - at the world, a specific person, God or even the person who has died
• anxiety about coping without the person they have lost
• difficulty in sleeping, mood swings, depression, loss of appetite, lack of concentration, exhaustion

A letter can let the bereaved person know in a few words that you are sad about their loss and are thinking of them. If you knew the person who has died you could share a memory of them or mention the qualities they had that you valued. It is thoughtful to add 'This letter does not need answering'.

Listening
It helps to talk to someone who is prepared to listen. Being able to express feelings freely can ease distress.

Don't be embarrassed or feel guilty if your sympathy triggers tears, or you find yourself crying too. Crying is natural and part of the healing process, although some people prefer not to show their emotions or may save their tears for when they are alone. Because you do not see someone cry does not mean that they are not grieving.

Can you offer practical help?
A death often brings practical problems and people may be grateful for help, but it is usually best to ask first. Ways of help might include, for example, shopping, cooking, child-minding or fetching children from school, gardening, lifts in the car, looking after pets, helping to sort out correspondence, mending things.

Others close to the person who has died
When someone dies the main concern is often for the person who shared their life most closely, such as their partner. But others may need support too - children, parents, grandparents, friends.

Keep in contact
the effects of losing someone close are usually felt for several months, often years. Bereaved people appreciate being remembered or included at birthdays and festivals, Anniversaries often reawaken grief, and support at these times can be helpful.

These things often help ...

• Attending the funeral or memorial service if appropriate
• Saying how sorry you are as soon as you next see them
• Letting them talk about their loss and the person who died as much as they want. Going over and over what happened is a normal part of bereavement
• Being patient and understanding and encouraging them to be patient with themselves
• Encouraging them to take care of themselves - to eat and rest properly, and to see their doctor if they are worried about their health
• Mentioning the person who has died, the things they used to do and say.

These things are usually better avoided ...

• Changing the subject when bereaved people talk about their loss
• Saying 'I know how you feel', or talking about your own bereavements. Even if you have experienced a similar loss, at the moment it is their loss and feelings which are important to them
• Trying to soothe the pain by saying 'It was a merciful release', 'Time heals', or 'Try to think about something else'. However well-meant, such remarks seldom help when grief is at its most intense
• Giving advice unless it is asked for
• Making promises of help you cannot keep
• Assuming that the bereaved person should have got over their loss by a certain time. Grieving nearly always takes longer than people expect.